Perfectionism & burnout
When the finish line keeps moving
From the outside, it looks like you’ve got it handled. On the inside, nothing ever quite feels finished, and the rest you keep promising yourself never seems to arrive.
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(If this page feels like one more thing to finish, just skim.)
Going around
Does any of this sound familiar?
Sitting down to rest comes with an immediate wave of guilt.
Emails get rewritten several times before they’re allowed to go out.
One small mistake can outweigh a dozen things that went well.
The most important projects are often the hardest to start, because they need to be done right.
Every goal you reach seems to come with a new, slightly higher one attached.
Work you used to care about has started to feel flat, or even a little hollow.
By evening, there’s not much left for the people and things you love.
Vacations help for a few days, and then everything is right back where it was.
Ninety percent registering as a fail, instead of a ninety.
If several of these hit close to home, there’s a good chance perfectionism and burnout have been working together, and that combination is more common among capable, conscientious people than many realize.
The turn
Your standards aren’t the problem
What the research suggests
Here’s something that surprises a lot of people: caring about doing things well isn’t what wears you out. Research that pools dozens of studies on perfectionism and burnout suggests that having high standards, on its own, isn’t what tracks most closely with burnout. What does is the layer wrapped around those standards, the fear of making mistakes, the constant self-doubt, and the worry about how others will judge you.
The good news
That’s good news, because it means you don’t have to become someone who cares less. The work is loosening the fear and quieting the critic’s authority, so your standards can come from what you actually value instead of from a sense that something terrible will happen if you fall short.
I won’t ask you to lower your standards.
We’ll just look at who’s been setting them.
The inner critic can keep riding along. It just doesn’t get to drive.
Burnout, and what’s underneath it
More than just tired
Burnout tends to show up in three ways at once. There’s the exhaustion that a weekend doesn’t fix, a growing distance or cynicism toward things that used to matter, and a nagging sense that you’re not as effective as you once were. It can happen at a job, and it can just as easily happen at home, for people whose hardest work isn’t the kind that comes with a paycheck.
For many people, though, the exhaustion isn’t only about how much is on the plate. It’s about the rule running underneath it all: that you’re only really okay when everything is handled, handled well, and handled by you. That rule has probably helped you accomplish a lot, and it’s also very good at keeping you from ever feeling done.
Burnout tends to show up three ways at once
Exhaustion that a weekend doesn’t fix
A growing distance or cynicism toward things that used to matter
A nagging sense of being less effective than before
You’re only really okay when everything is handled, handled well, and handled by you.
What if the problem really is my job (or my life right now)?
Sometimes it is. Heavy workloads, understaffed teams, caregiving demands and difficult workplaces are real, and no amount of inner work makes an unsustainable situation sustainable. Therapy can help with the parts within your reach: your relationship with the critic, where your energy goes, and the clarity, and sometimes the courage, to make a bigger change if one is needed.
Why it keeps going
Why the usual fixes haven’t stuck
Most people who end up here have already tried the sensible things: a long-overdue vacation, a better planner, a firmer no, a stack of books about being enough. Each one helps for a little while, and then something odd happens. The vacation wears off by the first Wednesday back, the planner becomes one more thing to keep perfect, and the boundary arrives with a side of guilt.
That isn’t a lack of willpower. It’s a sign that the rule underneath is still in charge, quietly turning every solution into another standard to meet. Changing that takes something different from adding one more task to the list.
Taking one
How we work together
My work draws on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), along with parts work and a warm, person-centered foundation. Here’s roughly how it unfolds:
Meet the critic.
Rather than arguing with that inner voice or obeying it, we slow down and get to know it, including what it’s been trying to protect you from.
Find what matters.
We sort out what you genuinely care about in your work and life, separate from what you feel you have to prove.
Count the cost.
We look honestly at what keeping the critic satisfied has cost in energy, health, joy and connection.
Choose your standards.
You decide which standards are worth keeping, and what discomfort you’re willing to make room for along the way.
Practice, gently.
We build the skills to rest without earning it, start before something is perfect and act from your values, at a pace that doesn’t turn into one more performance.
A session, in short
What our sessions are like
This is not a place where you need to perform. A lot of the work happens right there in session, through guided, hands-on exercises rather than a growing pile of homework, and I’ll explain what’s happening psychologically in plain language along the way. Understanding why the critic is so loud often makes it a lot easier to stop taking its word as final.
I’m warm, curious and quick to find the humor in things, which tends to help when a session gets heavy. There’s room for frustration, tears and laughter, sometimes all in the same hour, and there’s no such thing as doing therapy wrong. (Yes, even if part of you is already drafting a plan to be the most improved client I’ve ever had.)
We meet online in 50-minute sessions, and the camera is optional. The rhythm can be weekly, every other week, or whatever fits a full life.
What working together looks like
Relaxed, and you can ask me anything
If it feels like a good fit
Online, at a pace that fits, and homework is optional
The exits
What can change
I can’t promise you’ll never feel stretched thin again, and the critic probably won’t pack up and leave for good. What often shifts is how much authority it has. As that loosens, many people notice that:
Rest starts to feel like something they’re allowed to have, not something to earn.
Starting is easier, because “good” no longer has to be “perfect” first.
Mistakes sting less and get treated as information rather than a verdict.
Work they care about begins to feel meaningful again.
There’s more energy left at the end of the day for the people they love.
Change usually builds gradually rather than all at once, and we’ll go at a pace that doesn’t turn recovery into another project to ace.
Being upfront
Is this a good fit?
Who I work with
I work with adults anywhere in California through secure online sessions. This tends to be a good fit if you’re running on empty, holding yourself to a standard you’d never apply to a friend, and wanting a way forward that doesn’t involve caring less about the things that matter to you.
When I’m not the right fit
I’m not the right fit for crisis care, court-involved work, addiction treatment, couples or teens, and I’m glad to help point you toward someone who is.
If exhaustion is new, severe or comes with physical symptoms, it’s also worth checking in with your doctor, since burnout can overlap with medical issues and depression.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please call or text 988 or call 911.
Before you ask
Common questions
Will therapy make me lower my standards?
No. The goal is to keep the standards that reflect what you value, while loosening the fear and self-criticism that have been attached to them. Many people find their work actually gets easier to start and finish once the stakes stop feeling life-or-death.
If I stop being hard on myself, won’t I slack off?
That’s a very understandable worry, especially if self-criticism has been your main source of motivation for years. We’re not trying to take away your drive. We’re exploring whether you can keep moving toward what matters without needing fear to push you the whole way.
Is burnout a diagnosis?
Burnout isn’t a standalone mental health diagnosis. It’s commonly used to describe patterns of exhaustion, distance or cynicism, and reduced effectiveness, particularly in the context of chronic workplace stress. Similar experiences can also arise from caregiving and other demands. Because exhaustion can overlap with depression or medical conditions, we’ll pay attention to the bigger picture.
What is ACT?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach that helps you change your relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings, rather than spending all your energy trying to eliminate them. With perfectionism, that can mean learning to notice the inner critic without automatically following its instructions, while making more room for the things you value.
I don’t have time for therapy. How does this fit?
If your schedule already feels impossible, adding another appointment can sound like the last thing you need. Sessions are online and last 50 minutes, and we can talk about a weekly or every-other-week rhythm. I also try to keep the work practical, without turning therapy into another long list of assignments.
How much does it cost?
Sessions are $200 for 50 minutes. I’m a private-pay therapist, and I can provide a superbill if you’d like to explore possible out-of-network reimbursement through your insurance plan. Reimbursement depends on your specific benefits and isn’t guaranteed.
What happens on the 15-minute call?
We’ll talk briefly about what’s bringing you here, what you’re hoping for, and whether working together seems like a good fit. You’re welcome to ask questions, and the camera is optional. You don’t need to prepare a polished explanation.
How soon can I start?
I often have openings within about a week, depending on my current schedule. The free consultation is a good place to check availability and talk about a session time that might work for you.
Start here
No need to get this part perfect.
You don’t have to know exactly what to say, have a plan, or wait for a calmer week. A 15-minute call is just a chance to talk through what’s been going on and see whether working together feels like a good fit. A rough first step counts.
Book a free 15-minute call(Showing up unfinished counts. Consider it a small win.)